It’s funny and troubling how many times you hear someone criticize another person for something you know they also do. Has it ever happen to you?
In high school I had a friend that used to criticize others that didn’t share their course notes and when you would ask her, she would always have a reason not to share her own notes. In my work I’ve had colleagues that hate and rant about people that don’t communicate enough and then you would find out that they omit to send an email to the team to prepare for an upcoming meeting. And the worst of all are mothers that criticize other mothers of spoiling their kids but they can’t see that having a stash of toys to bribe their own kids is a form of spoiling, even with premeditation!
What I learned from this types of behaviours is to pay attention about what other people complain about in others, because most of the time they are talking about themselves. The funny part is that if you confront them and say, “wait, you are spoiling your kids too because …” they will completely deny it and find a million reasons why it’s not the same. The reason they can’t accept what you are saying is that they can’t see it in themselves because they can not deal with it. It’s the sort of thing that it’s easy to see in others, but you can’t accept that you are doing the same because your unconscious mind is protecting you. Denial is a funny little trick that our minds like to play from a very early age. The fact that we are seeing the behaviour in others and we feel passionate about it is the indication that it is something we care about because we can relate. And if we can relate, we have some of that behaviour in our lives. Either we like it or not, there is something in us that connects to whatever is bothering us from “outside”.
Of course denial is a very powerful tool to survive extremely violent or extreme experiences and we all need it to preserve our mental health. But a little self awareness also is a way to grow up past our limitations and it comes with a huge sense of accomplishment when we can become better adults, parents, professionals.